A philosophical creative writer? A creative philosopher?

I am ever so slowly slipping into panic mode. And the further I slip, the faster the slide becomes. I have only a few short months before I have to decide what direction I am taking after graduation.

It's going to be either philosophy or creative writing.

If I pursue philosophy, I will spend every day for the rest of my life haunted by the questions that already deprive me of my sleep. The further I move toward enlightenment, the farther away I'll actually become. My mind has already become an agonizing place. I am generally happy to escape into the pragmatic superficiality of the music industry and whatever other part time jobs I fall into.

(At times I think I really want to remain in music...
"Then he suddenly saw that he was leading a strange life, that he was doing many things that were only a game, that he was quite cheerful and sometimes experienced pleasure, but that real life was flowing past him..." -Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha)

If philosophy becomes my job as well as my past time, will I be able to handle spending 24 hours a day haunted by the questions I cannot answer? If philosophy doesn't become my job, will I be able to live with myself knowing that I ran from these questions out of fear?



I want to publish a novel. Books have always spoken to me. Literature is a magical thing. It provides an escape from the world, but it also crafts a certain perspective of the world. Literature has taught me to see the beauty in life, even during its ugliest moments, and it has taught me to be grateful for it all. I have stories to share, but my lack of professional experience with crafting fiction makes me hesitant to pursue it in graduate school. I also worry that developing this craft will pull me away from my pursuit of answers to life's big questions, though I realize that the greatest novels are fundamentally philosophical pursuits.

These pesky questions about the nature of life terrify me, but I am as frightened of living without them as I am of living with them.

Why are we here? Where will we go?

An irrepressible part of me hopes that there are answers, and that I can find them. As long as this hope remains, I am afraid to abandon the search.


Can I combine philosophy and creative writing? Perhaps I can pursue a dual PhD/MFA...and perhaps that would be even greater torture than just living with these unanswered questions!