In recent weeks, I have given myself over to a life based upon love more wholeheartedly than ever before. I am making a conscious effort to embody the peace that I am trying to create.
I am far from perfect, and I know this, but today I learned that I still thoughtlessly say hurtful things (so thoughtlessly that I cannot even remember what I said) and I am ashamed. I know that my mouth will not open as easily in the days to come, because I am acutely aware that my words are the most powerful weapon I bear.
I am puzzled by the fact that devoting myself to building peace has not just made me more determined, but more depressed. Perhaps having an eye on the ideal makes my flaws all the more conspicuous. What was brought to my attention today certainly doesn't ease this frustration.
I told Christopher just last night that I feel like I need to have a good cry, but that it just won't come. He told me that I've said that several times to him lately. I suppose the silver lining of today was that the tears finally came.
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